Fearless-ish

I’ve never been “fearless”.  I’ve never really been a “scaredy-cat” either.  I guess I’ve always been somewhere in the middle – or probably somewhere along the lines of “too lazy to really try anything scary but not so lazy that I won’t try anything new”.  There are lots of things I am or have been afraid of, like the recurring nightmare I had when I was a kid about living in a big store that had bombs inside or the book I read when I was ten or eleven that made me feel really silly by the time I got to the end of it.  I still get uneasy sitting by a dark window or door (which I’m doing as I type this, so I’m going to stop and reassure myself that there is nothing there and that the dog would bark if there were).  On the other hand, I’ve never shied away from a haunted house or a really big roller coaster, and I don’t think twice about driving across several states by myself.

Then there’s death.  Am I afraid of death?  Well, yeah.  But, no.  I’m not afraid of dying, but I am afraid of what happens while I’m dying, and I worry about what will happen to the people I leave behind.  Recently, though, I was hit with an all new fear of death.  I’ve lost lots of people I love, but I never feared life without them.  I knew they were all going to die and had time to prepare, but I never once thought, “How am I going to make it without them?”  I miss them terribly, but I was not and am not afraid.  Losing my husband is in a completely different ball park, though, and it’s weird.  I don’t really have fear of my life without him.  My fear is for my babies.  I have three little boys who are going to grow up without their Daddy.  How can I make up for that?  I don’t have the slightest clue how to be a daddy!  I’m barely making it in the Mommy department.  I’m not a girly-girl by any means, but I don’t know a single thing about being a man.  I don’t really want to know anything about being a man.  I know a little bit about baseball, and I can tell my kid to stop swinging the bat around before he hits somebody in the head with it, but how exactly do you pee standing up?  Is it weird that I’m worried about things like that?

There are a lot of unknowns right now.  I never thought I’d have the task of raising three boys alone.  Three.  Boys.  Alone.  And I’m not sure how to handle it.  The one thing I am sure of, though?  Even though I’m “alone”, I’m never actually alone.  God is always with me.  He promised me that, so, when I’m feeling alone, I just have to call His name, and He’ll be there – kinda like “I’ll Be There” by the Jackson 5, but much, much better.

“Don’t worry—I am with you. Don’t be afraid—I am your God. I will make you strong and help you. I will support you with my right hand that brings victory.”  -Isaiah 41:10 ERV

Side note:  When I was looking up the verse I wanted to share tonight, I came across a version that I’d never heard of.  I normally don’t read the King James Version, because it has too many thous and -eths for me to easily understand what it’s saying.  I try to stick with the New International Version (NIV) or the English Standard Version (ESV).  The one I found tonight is the Easy-to-Read Bible (ERV).  And guess what?  It is actually easy to read.  But, more importantly, I feel like the wording of this verse hits the nail on the head.

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